Elf's Heart

I just keep wondering about people.

I took this psychological test last month.

Happens to be I am an INTJ type of person.

I am happy that I made contact with my past ex's.

Making peace and all.

As you grow older you realize letting go is important.

Being mature enough to face reality and forgiving.

I can see myself being alone since last year.

Like I really can't cope with the idea

of having someone again.

From my experiences, all I can see is the new born me.

Someone who wants to help gradually.

Maybe it is just me but I can see being in a relationship

limits your goodness to other people.

Maybe it really depends on the couple.

But you see, it all starts with a family.

Everyone looks for food for their love ones or family.

To feed their young and nurture the things their wife

or kids desire.

Ofcourse they will first help and go

 for the needs of their own family.

I don't know why I feel selfish about it?

I feel like I just wanna help in general not looking 

on how close this person is to me.

And when you are in a relationship

you have all this miserable feelings.

You need to feel love, mutual agreements

and at times its just being an addiction.

Like you are owning someone.

I am not saying it is bad to be in a relationship.

But I guess you need to be more mature.

You need to know what really love and commitment is.

That is just not for me as I see now.

I don't want to limit myself for others.

I am a free being, adventurous and loves to

meet all kinds of souls.

Although it is a silent soul, it is happy

helping others and knowing them.

I graduated on that idea and feelings.

As I grow older I continue to see myself.

The self that is hidden away from society.

The self that is innocent and knows

what it really love.

My soul, myself is fond of travelling.

Many times I see myself dying young.

I can see myself living alone and just being contented.

I am happy doing all the stuff I like and

enjoying so much time with my genuine friends.

As I meet the real me away from society.

I realized how isolation changed my life.

The hunger on material things goes away

and the soul is happy being touched.

My grandma told me this month before her birthday.

I should continue writing and making poems.

Oh, she knows I like reading too, she encourages me a lot!

I really love her and I feel so inspired when I am talking to her.

She said I should make a book compilation of my works.

I felt happy on what she said and have this new task!

All I wanna do now is get a job and make my parents

stop working so they can relax and do stuff they like.

Anyhow, I don't feel I have the heart for romantic stuff anymore.

I am most happy being alone and helping people.

That's the best feeling I felt in my life inside

my elf heart.

Drench

If I could be there in that era

You will not feel alone anymore.

See my true reflection,
Cut off my own connections,
I can see life getting harder,
So sad is this sensation,
Reverse the situation,
I can't see it getting better.

I'll walk you through the heartbreak,
Show you all the out takes,
I can't see it getting higher,
Systematically degraded,
Emotionally a scapegoat,
I can't see it getting better.

Perverse and unrealistic,
Try to make it all stick,
I can't see it getting better,
Hollow now, I'm burned out,
All I need to break out,

I can't see life getting higher,
Love, life, makes you feel higher,
Love, of life, makes you feel higher,

Higher, higher, higher, higher,
Higher, higher, higher, higher,
Love of life, makes you feel higher. 

Remember

When I was a little younger than my age today

I use to memorize all the things people say.

I am expert in memorizing lines

Oh did I mention I love poems?

I love details, I lavish it.

I am keen and observant and always remember 

peoples names, what they wear, what they did.

I am like a detective.

But for the past years I suffered from memory loss.

It all started when I got into this meditation I've read in books.

Self help books for losers like me 

and no it is not DUMMIES for beginners etc.

It is a book to heal emotional wounds and pain learning

how to forget and forgive people.

I learned to completely cut the bonds.

Free myself from suicidal attachments.

I learn to forget everything and I master it so much

sometimes when I think about the people who hurt me

I just CAN'T REMEMBER what they did to me.

Why is it that all the people I love 

is already dead?

Why, just why.

They are born in a different era.

I really feel I fit in on old ages and times.

I really think I've been in hell last year.

Total injection of lies from people.

Why do you all fucking lie, just why.

It really kills me, its more of a gut pain

A self inflicting shit.

Oh gosh, just GROW up people.

Stop lying and all.

Why is it so easy for you to hurt other people's feelings?

Fuck you all. Inconsiderate minions.

I was lost again in the topic I was typing

until I go back to top yeah.

I just cant remember almost the memories

that is so close to me.

Memories that hurted me , people who hurted me.

No matter how hard I try I can't remember anymore.

Maybe some but mostly I just can't remember it.

I applied the book so much it came to a point

that in my daily life I can't hardly remember things everyday.

It's like a psychological effect on making some

things vanish at your memory.

Bad memories I erased.

I am really hurting inside.

No one is missing me or looking for me

when its almost a year or some months.

I don't feel any good as a friend.

Well you love and love

And all these people just hurt me too often

And I came to a point all the love is gone

I can't really love anymore...

But I can't help it, I care.

I wonder if I can save up money

So someone will take care of me when I'm old.

Cause I have a feeling I will grow alone.

I hurt so much inside...

I easily forget things, I am like an old lady.

I forgot the memories.

But why do I feel so alone,

I still hurt so BAD everyday...

without knowing WHY.

A Price On My Soul

There is no way that I will love having visitors in our house.

It annoys me so much.

I can't go down stairs and pee from time to time or grab food.

Like I don't want anyone seeing me specially without my bra.

I am so lazy to put effort just for visitors to put on my bra.

Plus I hate all their faces... like yeah having all the fun

while they are not being considerate to other people

living in the same house.

I don't even think they know how it irritates me that

they party here almost everyday and drink.

Whatever, call me anti-social I hate being surrounded by

people and hearing all their comments.

Fuck it.

Right now my stomach is aching from eating sausage. 

Damn, I hate eating meat.

But I have no choice cause I don't have money

to buy my own damn food.

I have hard time digesting pork and beef it really

make me feel sick every time I eat that kind of meat.

No one ever want to see my fucking face

that is so mad about the world.

I want to travel for Pete's sake.

I hate being here at this country.

I want to meet different nationalities.

I don't even know why I don't have any troubles

talking to other nationals while here I have

a hard time understanding the minds of people

being so passive and easy to trick of what society want them to eat.

I feel like I was just born on the wrong country.

But anyway its still best hanging around at my bed in front of the 

computer learning new things and examining how

dumb the society is.

I'd rather be alone than hang with stupid people.

Festive, events all those stupid events people

attend ONLY because they want social interactions.

I even think they are lonelier than me

because of their hunger to socialize.

Such attention seekers.

I really hate it that they want to be so friendly

with all the fucking people around them.

Like what do you think?

One way or another someone will betray you in the end.

Such... a naive group of people.

Why they can't just be contented... well we are all different.

And yeah, they are all stupid for letting ego run their lives.

If I will have my own house.

Mostly all I need is a bed and a bathroom that's all.

Dining room, living room...all of that is on my bed already.

I love my bed, its my best friend, I want to marry it.

I even think its more fun having party at bed...

Eating chips, chatting while surfing the net, watching or playing games.

Why can't somebody see the beauty of it?

It's all comfy and more personal than having it

at the club with all the sluts around you.

Whatever.

I hate it when people say whatever in reply.

Fuck you all.

Buttered Toast

Have you ever saw a mouth watering food?

Melting cheese on a hot bun, pizza topping dropping...

All the herbs savoring your nose!

The problem is, you can't eat it.

You can't afford to buy it.

It is not yours. It is not destined to be yours.

Ever.

Sad, isn't?

I love kids, I just do.

I don't have any grudge although my childhood is horrible.

I swear, one of the worst memories in my life.

Childhood sucks and so is high school.

I love kids laughter, I love their stubby hands.

I love how they freely roam around and touch me with smile.

I love how kids can bring joy into my heart.

I don't know why.

But I am afraid to play with them at times.

Cause parents will look at me and observe me.

Is this creature a harm to my child?

I hate being judged with all the things I do.

I hate people who judge with the way people look.

When all you want to do is GIVE.

When all you want to do is LOVE.

Why do people criticize you on little things...

People hate people who are better than them.

Many people hates GIVING kind of people.

They will label you as a show off.

It irritates me, why are you all heartless?

How an act of kindness can be a show off.

FUCK YOU ALL.

I hate it when I do something I love

And someone will smile or grin saying,

"Why the fuck are you doing that?"

I want to cut their slit and pour acid on their faces.

I hate mean people.

I hate comments. I hate their opinions.

Why can't you all be HAPPY that someone 

is given a chance to reach out?

You all live in a material world where you of course...

PRIORITIZE yourself.

Stupid bunch of assholes.

When I am eating at a restaurant or fast food

I leave TIPS greater than what I am actually eating.

Why? Cause I know what it feels to SERVE others

and not given the recognition I DESERVE.

I know how to give not because I am rich.

Not because I have plenty.

But I know what it feels like to have

NOTHING at all in life.

I've been in dark times of my life and scarcity ate me.

Time where no one helped me, even my friends.

I am in hunger, I am in need.

I am in deep depression...

FUCK YOU ALL.

People are just there when 

you have something to give.

I hate this, I hate it.

What Makes Me Sick

People who ONLY knows the words "Fuck", "Actually", "Like"and uses

it so often to cuss and make fun of people. Can you be more imaginative?

Fuck you all get a dictionary, read a book and stop relying on T.V!

People who goes with the trend.

Why can't you all decide on your own? Don't follow a pattern.

I will only accept that sick reason if you really KNOW what you are

in or what you are fighting for.

People who uses other people.

You know who you are, you make me so SICK!

From politicians down to people in this area.

If you want to achieve something, get up and work for it!

STOP playing with other peoples feelings, you sick creatures!

People who is constantly jealous and will do anything

to bring other people down.

The heck do you want? Be contented. If not, then CHANGE!

Life is hard, if you want something do something.

IF it is impossible, then try a new outlet!

People who loves GOSSIPS.

People who share gossips, tell gossips and mostly people

who knows someone is telling GOSSIPS yet they play with it!

FUCK YOU so much. 

This planet is degraded with people like you in it!

Why don't you use that talent of yours in other  GOOD things.

People who buy things they don't NEED, they don't LIKE

but just buys it to impress others.

FUCK, wake up! You are a prey on the New Order!

You accept this crap? Yeah, how about spending it for more

PRACTICAL things. Things that truly make you happy or

more over, share your blessings!

People who don't stand on their beliefs.

What are you? A vanilla extract to harmonize the room?

Well fuck that. You should get up there and pull the trigger!

One way or another in everything you do, people will hate you.

Don't worry...

The feeling is MUTUAL.

There Is No High

School.

People posting all about how they are nostalgic.

How happy, how heartfelt.

I don't even... well I, kind of give some

appreciation to some moments in school but not until college.

And not until I meet two of my friends in college who is genuine.

Preschool is the beginning of all the misery in my life.

I mean, not really... maybe before entering it.

Kids are making fun of me, calling me a pig and ugly being.

Well, as what I expect on humans.

They delight on someone who is not in the standards of society.

If you are different, you are ugly. You are uncool.

You have to be beaten to death and be killed.

They made me feel that, a lot.

Some people will laugh at my life like are you kidding me?

They can't believe bullying is happening.

Shut the fuck up you assholes.

You don't know my life, you don't know where I've been.

You are all a bunch of morons who know so little

about the freaking world while making yourself look cool.

Well, delve yourself in a society where I pity people.

Cause they are making all the adjustments to be fitted.

People loves filling my bag with all the crazy stuff then they will laugh hard.

They don't even know I knew what they did.

How pathetic, how stupid.

How fucking low can all people go.

I hate it, cause they are stupid.

Talking behind my back, laughing at my attire, putting my name on

a circulating paper entitled, "Who's the ugliest fag?" and such.

It sucks when there are group projects or any activities.

I can do it all by myself, it just sucks cause when I am in their group

I will see the disgusts in their faces and I want to just leave

the fuck out of them, like I don't even pick this in the first place.

Well I never groom those time.

Cause every time I put something on like a head band

or something, they will be like...

"Look at her, it doesn't suit her."

And more freaking comments.

Like why don't you all leave me alone?

I am uncool right then why are you people always updated with

what new on me or what I am doing in my freaking life.

People wants to know the latest update to pick on you.

Yeah, that's how it goes.

Really funny how I let myself go.

People will only talk to me to do them a FAVOR.

Like draw them something, buy them something...

And I can't say NO to something I love doing.

Like helping... I don't know I want to have a friend but

turns out they are all using me.

After the favor, they will never talk to me...not until a new favor comes in a way.

Just because you are good looking, got high grades, good at something or whatever 

you are fucking pride of, it does not mean you can hurt

anyone or anything with that stupid edge of yours.

Fuck you all, people who are heads are in the clouds.

Fuck you all.

I hate guys, I hate girls...

I hate them.

Just fuck off and stay away from me.

Why do you have to pretend you want to make friends

or like me when the truth is...you hated me, you laugh over me.

I hate being so observant, I hate being such a good predictor.

I hate it cause I know all the actions they will do.

Like they will act concern and ask about you when all they wanna

do is get some information on how miserable my life is.

Seriously, get a life.

Like the fuck are you saying I should get a life?

I have my own life, why don't you MIND your own.

Or in case you want to mind others life maybe

helping should be one of your motives...

not belittling others.

Scumbag people. 

All you know is reading magazines and watching T.V

Fuck you all.

You are all perfect example for someone I don't like this

generation to become.

Like how does making a poem or expressing their thoughts

became labeled as, "Emo" or "Deep"?

Fuck. Is this what happens when someone vocabulary is wide?

You make me all laugh. I really want to kill the shit out of everyone.