Elf's Heart

I just keep wondering about people.

I took this psychological test last month.

Happens to be I am an INTJ type of person.

I am happy that I made contact with my past ex's.

Making peace and all.

As you grow older you realize letting go is important.

Being mature enough to face reality and forgiving.

I can see myself being alone since last year.

Like I really can't cope with the idea

of having someone again.

From my experiences, all I can see is the new born me.

Someone who wants to help gradually.

Maybe it is just me but I can see being in a relationship

limits your goodness to other people.

Maybe it really depends on the couple.

But you see, it all starts with a family.

Everyone looks for food for their love ones or family.

To feed their young and nurture the things their wife

or kids desire.

Ofcourse they will first help and go

 for the needs of their own family.

I don't know why I feel selfish about it?

I feel like I just wanna help in general not looking 

on how close this person is to me.

And when you are in a relationship

you have all this miserable feelings.

You need to feel love, mutual agreements

and at times its just being an addiction.

Like you are owning someone.

I am not saying it is bad to be in a relationship.

But I guess you need to be more mature.

You need to know what really love and commitment is.

That is just not for me as I see now.

I don't want to limit myself for others.

I am a free being, adventurous and loves to

meet all kinds of souls.

Although it is a silent soul, it is happy

helping others and knowing them.

I graduated on that idea and feelings.

As I grow older I continue to see myself.

The self that is hidden away from society.

The self that is innocent and knows

what it really love.

My soul, myself is fond of travelling.

Many times I see myself dying young.

I can see myself living alone and just being contented.

I am happy doing all the stuff I like and

enjoying so much time with my genuine friends.

As I meet the real me away from society.

I realized how isolation changed my life.

The hunger on material things goes away

and the soul is happy being touched.

My grandma told me this month before her birthday.

I should continue writing and making poems.

Oh, she knows I like reading too, she encourages me a lot!

I really love her and I feel so inspired when I am talking to her.

She said I should make a book compilation of my works.

I felt happy on what she said and have this new task!

All I wanna do now is get a job and make my parents

stop working so they can relax and do stuff they like.

Anyhow, I don't feel I have the heart for romantic stuff anymore.

I am most happy being alone and helping people.

That's the best feeling I felt in my life inside

my elf heart.

Drench

If I could be there in that era

You will not feel alone anymore.

See my true reflection,
Cut off my own connections,
I can see life getting harder,
So sad is this sensation,
Reverse the situation,
I can't see it getting better.

I'll walk you through the heartbreak,
Show you all the out takes,
I can't see it getting higher,
Systematically degraded,
Emotionally a scapegoat,
I can't see it getting better.

Perverse and unrealistic,
Try to make it all stick,
I can't see it getting better,
Hollow now, I'm burned out,
All I need to break out,

I can't see life getting higher,
Love, life, makes you feel higher,
Love, of life, makes you feel higher,

Higher, higher, higher, higher,
Higher, higher, higher, higher,
Love of life, makes you feel higher. 

Remember

When I was a little younger than my age today

I use to memorize all the things people say.

I am expert in memorizing lines

Oh did I mention I love poems?

I love details, I lavish it.

I am keen and observant and always remember 

peoples names, what they wear, what they did.

I am like a detective.

But for the past years I suffered from memory loss.

It all started when I got into this meditation I've read in books.

Self help books for losers like me 

and no it is not DUMMIES for beginners etc.

It is a book to heal emotional wounds and pain learning

how to forget and forgive people.

I learned to completely cut the bonds.

Free myself from suicidal attachments.

I learn to forget everything and I master it so much

sometimes when I think about the people who hurt me

I just CAN'T REMEMBER what they did to me.

Why is it that all the people I love 

is already dead?

Why, just why.

They are born in a different era.

I really feel I fit in on old ages and times.

I really think I've been in hell last year.

Total injection of lies from people.

Why do you all fucking lie, just why.

It really kills me, its more of a gut pain

A self inflicting shit.

Oh gosh, just GROW up people.

Stop lying and all.

Why is it so easy for you to hurt other people's feelings?

Fuck you all. Inconsiderate minions.

I was lost again in the topic I was typing

until I go back to top yeah.

I just cant remember almost the memories

that is so close to me.

Memories that hurted me , people who hurted me.

No matter how hard I try I can't remember anymore.

Maybe some but mostly I just can't remember it.

I applied the book so much it came to a point

that in my daily life I can't hardly remember things everyday.

It's like a psychological effect on making some

things vanish at your memory.

Bad memories I erased.

I am really hurting inside.

No one is missing me or looking for me

when its almost a year or some months.

I don't feel any good as a friend.

Well you love and love

And all these people just hurt me too often

And I came to a point all the love is gone

I can't really love anymore...

But I can't help it, I care.

I wonder if I can save up money

So someone will take care of me when I'm old.

Cause I have a feeling I will grow alone.

I hurt so much inside...

I easily forget things, I am like an old lady.

I forgot the memories.

But why do I feel so alone,

I still hurt so BAD everyday...

without knowing WHY.

A Price On My Soul

There is no way that I will love having visitors in our house.

It annoys me so much.

I can't go down stairs and pee from time to time or grab food.

Like I don't want anyone seeing me specially without my bra.

I am so lazy to put effort just for visitors to put on my bra.

Plus I hate all their faces... like yeah having all the fun

while they are not being considerate to other people

living in the same house.

I don't even think they know how it irritates me that

they party here almost everyday and drink.

Whatever, call me anti-social I hate being surrounded by

people and hearing all their comments.

Fuck it.

Right now my stomach is aching from eating sausage. 

Damn, I hate eating meat.

But I have no choice cause I don't have money

to buy my own damn food.

I have hard time digesting pork and beef it really

make me feel sick every time I eat that kind of meat.

No one ever want to see my fucking face

that is so mad about the world.

I want to travel for Pete's sake.

I hate being here at this country.

I want to meet different nationalities.

I don't even know why I don't have any troubles

talking to other nationals while here I have

a hard time understanding the minds of people

being so passive and easy to trick of what society want them to eat.

I feel like I was just born on the wrong country.

But anyway its still best hanging around at my bed in front of the 

computer learning new things and examining how

dumb the society is.

I'd rather be alone than hang with stupid people.

Festive, events all those stupid events people

attend ONLY because they want social interactions.

I even think they are lonelier than me

because of their hunger to socialize.

Such attention seekers.

I really hate it that they want to be so friendly

with all the fucking people around them.

Like what do you think?

One way or another someone will betray you in the end.

Such... a naive group of people.

Why they can't just be contented... well we are all different.

And yeah, they are all stupid for letting ego run their lives.

If I will have my own house.

Mostly all I need is a bed and a bathroom that's all.

Dining room, living room...all of that is on my bed already.

I love my bed, its my best friend, I want to marry it.

I even think its more fun having party at bed...

Eating chips, chatting while surfing the net, watching or playing games.

Why can't somebody see the beauty of it?

It's all comfy and more personal than having it

at the club with all the sluts around you.

Whatever.

I hate it when people say whatever in reply.

Fuck you all.